This might be a kind of depressing post. I feel like I need to share it, or at least need to hear others are feeling or have felt the same way. I am not writing this for attention or fishing for compliments.
I have struggled the last few months with my body image. I don’t know if it is because I was a dancer and I am extremely aware of my body or what. I have become overwhelmed, depressed, happy and satisfied and then back down to overwhelmed again. It is a vicious cycle. After I did a health challenge back in January and February I learned I can be disciplined and food doesn’t control me. I lost 10 lbs and I felt so healthy. I was in good shape. Exercising felt do-able everyday and the thought of sugar actually made me a little queasy. I dropped 2 pants sizes and was on top of the world. Then I had a piece of cake at a birthday party. I figured I knew how to do this all and that I would be fine. I was wrong. Everything spiraled. In the last 4 months I have gained 8 lbs. Now, am at a acceptable weight? Yes. Do I wear a size 8 pants? Yes. Do I think I am fat? No. I don’t think I am fat. I just want to be where I know I CAN be. I was upset because it came back fast. I can’t eat the way I use to. I can’t skip exercising. I was depressed because I thought a slower metabolism came around the mid 30’s to early 40’s. No people, I am 27.
I have gotten all these healthy cookbooks and have made a lot of healthy meals. Maybe only 15% of them have I actually liked. Buying healthy food is expensive. And yet we have all this ‘unhealthy’ creams of whatever in the pantry that I feel guilty using and feel guilty not using.
Exercising was becoming a battle with my mind and my time. I was fighting it. Why? I’ve always liked exercising. Wasn’t the food always my hardest part?
Ugh.
I posted on FB that I wasn’t going to have sugar again until Sunday. I think I have finally realized that I can’t even taste it or all control is gone. I have been waking up at 6:30am to exercise. Today was easier than yesterday. I am counting calories again. I am trying to live by Bob Harper’s rules. At least as many as I can.
Then I get depressed thinking about how this HAS to be a part of my daily life. Shouldn’t that excite me? Don’t I want to be fit and healthy and happy?
See. It’s never-ending. It’s called LIFE. And then I feel guilty for feeling the way I do. I’ve been lucky I didn’t have to deal with figuring this out when I was a teenager. And I have a beautiful family and home and friends. Shouldn’t that just be enough for me to be happy? Why can’t I just be satisfied with where I am at?
5 comments:
Ok, here's my opinion about diets. (Obviously my opinion shouldn't mean much bc I've always struggled with my weight...haha). Anyway, I think that whatever eating/exercise routine you choose to live by, should be one that you can maintain for life. Otherwise, once you end whatever diet program you're on, then what? Doesn't the weight just come back? Last year when I lost about 30 pounds, it was because I made healthier food choices, less sugar, smaller portions, and was more active (tried to take more walks with the kids, hit the treadmill at the gym. but not an intense workout routine). That worked for me because it felt maintainable. In fact I did maintain it for about a year. There was no major change I made, just little things that add up to make a big difference. After we moved this spring it all went south and I stopped caring, so I need to start again (I've gained a couple pounds back, but thankfully the rest has stayed off!). But it all felt really natural and maintainable.
Did I cut out all desserts? No. Just if I did have one, I cut down a little on something else in the day. I feel like I have to have something sweet like every evening. Bad habit, but it is what it is. If I'm not watching it, I can totally stuff myself with candy and junk. When I was focusing on better choices, I still had something sweet. But I had a small handful of m&m's instead of handful after handful. If I was at a party where there was cake and ice cream, I didn't have it unless I really wanted it; and even then I decided I would only have one or the other, not both. Anyway, those are just a few examples.
I don't know...it worked for me. I know though that I'll never be the type that can be super strict about food or little Miss Exercise. It's just not something I can see myself doing day in and day out for the rest of my life. Some people totally can. They have tons of control, eat organic, work out hard daily. That's awesome for them, but I could never do that. So...my point is, I think you should just decide what YOU think is reasonable for YOU! Everyone is different and don't compare yourself. Find a way of living in moderation that you can handle for the long run. Don't get discouraged! And I think you look great :)
**Obviously I know that I'm totally overweight so any advice sounds ridiculous coming from me. Haha, but that's just my opinion :)
I was really surprised to read this Ash! You always come off as so healthy and confident. I actually admire your healthy lifestyle, and wish I could be more like you. You honestly don't look like you have gained a single pound, but I know how you feel. I had the same thing happen after I had Greyson- I worked so hard and lost all the baby weight which was 35 pounds, then slowly I gained back 10 of it, and never lost it. I get really depressed and upset with myself about it. I think unfortunately those are very normal feelings. There are all those great pieces of advice about not caring what people think, not comparing, yadda yadda. But when you know what you are capable of- its harder to accept what you feel is less than your ideal. Just know that you are a great example, you looks fabulous but your feelings are normal. Try to focus on all those great things and make sure you are doing lifestyle changes, not diets. Love you ash!
You are not alone! I feel the exact same way all the time! But I agree with what others have said that you just need to find something that you like, and that will work with your life. For me, I just eat until I'm satisfied and not until I'm full, try to take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc. etc... But I think if you're not excited about the diet, and you don't want to do it, then find something that works for you and that you want to do, not something you have to force yourself to do. That way you keep going with it because you enjoy it.
But really you look great! And... maybe we should go walking together or something in the mornings, that way we can exercise AND hang out! :)
I completely understand how you feel! Women are naturally hard on themselves, but as dancers, I think it's even intensified :) Don't beat yourself up over what you consider to be "mistakes". Just take one day at a time and do plenty of things unrelated to diet that make you happy. The best and lasting changes happen slowly. Pick one thing at a time until you feel satisfied, and then pick another. We naturally have an inner drive to improve, and it can be an extremely useful tool or a terrible vice. Don't let it make you sad. Let it help you change. Love you girl!
I feel the exact same way. I do so great for a while and then "take a break" and it just spirals until I hate the way I feel, how all my clothes fit, etc. I think you made a good point that it is life...Our lives have changed from dancing for hours a day and eating whatever the heck we wanted and I'm still trying to adjust to it. I've had children for 6 years years now and I finally feel like I'm STARTING to figure it out, set a routine, and get into a good habit of exercise. I was talking to my Mom and she said that just as she felt like she had it figured out the kids started leaving for college and she had to figure out life all over again. Remember that there must be opposition in all things. We have to have the lows to appreciate the highs. We have to be thankful for our blessings when things are good so we can remember them when things are bad. You are beautiful. You are enough. You can do whatever you set your mind to!
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